9 Reasons Why Jerry Jones is President Snow, And Why I am the Cowboys’ Katniss
The Hunger Games exist in a bleak North American future mercilessly ruled by President Snow. For people like me who love both this story and the Dallas Cowboys, it is obvious that Jerry Jones is President Snow. I am volunteering as tribute to serve as Katniss, the fearless leader whose sole mission is to start an uprising and take down President Snow.
Jerry Jones is President Snow.
I’m volunteering as Katniss.
Dallas is the Capitol, and the Cowboys are its glamorous citizens.
The cheerleaders are the servants with their mouths sewn shut. But that’s not the topic at hand...
I christened myself as the Cowboys’ Katniss because of my fervor to provide America with a team it would be proud to call her own again. To accomplish this, the leadership must be changed. Jerry Jones (President Snow) has to go (Let’s call him SnowJones for the sake of following along in this article). This is my first step for the revolution; to reveal the similarities of the white-haired tyrants to educate the public and incite an uprising.
1. Total Takeover
Jerry Jones sits on the Dallas throne like President Snow sits on the throne of Panem.
Most organizations have a general manager, a president, and an owner (take a look at how other teams’ power situation is set up. I find the description on the Cowboys hilariously scary).
These powers are meant to be divided so one does not dictate all. But Jerry, Jerry reserved all of those titles for himself, with the subordinate titles, such as Head Coach, reporting directly to him. There is hardly anyone to challenge good ol’ President SnowJones.
2. Controls the Game Maker
Speaking of challenging him, it is imperative not to do so if you want to remain. Jason Garrett is the Head Coach of the Cowboys, and therefore, the Game Maker. The Game Maker will only remain in his position for as long as the President allows. Jason Garrett has been playing by Jones’s rules ever since Jones removed the previous Game Maker, Wade Phillips. Once Jones nixed Phillips, he saw an opportunity to hire within and control the new kid, which just so happened to be Garrett.
3. Savage Soldiers
President Snow needed control, and however he maintained it was acceptable. His ‘peacekeepers’ did what was required to keep him in power, which more often than not meant abusing people, and as long as they kept him in power while suffocating any hopes of uprising, he supported whatever methods necessary. Jerry Jones has reigned over countless Cowboys players with less than desirable actions. Several have been arrested for various acts such as drug possession, theft, DUI, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and our favorite here at The Ladies League: domestic abuse. The most recent case concerns Greg Hardy. After abusing his ex-girlfriend, leaving several marks and bruises on her body, Hardy was sentenced to only a four game suspension, then was signed by Jerry Jones to the Cowboys. Once he returned to the field, he got into a fight with players and coaches during the game, then gave an equally classless post-game performance for the locker room press conference. President SnowJones’s reaction to all of this?
I wonder if he wasn’t that talented if Jones would have sung a different song?
4. Gaudiest Castle
The biggest house with the biggest TV and the finest art on the walls.
President Snow had himself a quaint little casa, and Jones made sure he did as well.
AT&T Stadium very much resembles the mansion of an old man: paraphernalia of the glory days line the walls, instead of recent accomplishments. The Cowboys are not dead, just merely suffocated and neglected.
5. Looking to Expand His Realm
There is nothing more attractive to a dictator than more area to rule. If the world-renowned AT&T stadium was not enough, Jones is crafting a brand new training facility that is barely for training. This massive project -- and make no mistake, it is massive -- will include various sexy appeals for money accumulating, including a 16-story Omni hotel. A hotel. In the damn practice facility.
The exclusive Cowboys Club is also a nice, humble little feature where members pay an exorbitant fee to watch the Cowboys practice from a terrace. Hmm, seems to ring a bell of when the Game Maker and the sponsor goons watch the tributes show off their talents below. As I recall, Katniss shot an arrow at a pig. I wonder if we could get Romo to knock a champagne glass out of a hand?
6. Surrounded by Wealthy & Powerful
A man in power does not remain in power without having wealthy, powerful friends on his side. Those who could get close enough to overthrow President Snow never did because of their comfortably extravagant lives which they shared with him. It pays off to be friends with a powerful person (I see you Chris Christie).
7. Eliminate Threats
Last week, the National Football League finally admitted to the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Energy & Commerce that there is a link between football and chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). In the past, the NFL had refused to acknowledge any connection between the sport and the brain disease due to lack of evidence, they claimed. As of March 16, the NFL’s top health and safety officer officially confirmed that there is a link due to the research of Dr. Ann McKee.
As of March 22, Jerry Jones called the claim ‘absurd.' Despite all of the research, the NFL’s reluctant admittance, and the overwhelmingly obvious answer, he still claims there is not enough evidence. Oh do tell us more, dear President SnowJones.
8. Mask of Morality
President Snow was a practiced pacifier of the people, with his calm demeanor that assured them he knew what was best for them. Just like Snow, Jones conveys he knows what’s best for his dominion, the Cowboys. He puts on a football-focused face for the media -- as he should since that is his career -- and reassures Cowboy fans at personal appearances, such as training camp, that they are headed in the right direction this year. Just like the districts knew Snow was out of line, Cowboys fans are not naive to their president either, especially when photos like these arise:
On the right we have the Dallas Cowboys general manager.
In the middle we have the Dallas Cowboys president.
On the left we have the Dallas Cowboys owner.
Typically, someone in this position would resign once these photos surface, but in this case I guess the two other positions were in agreeance that he should stay. Darn majority rule.
9. Sinister Successor
What was the scariest part about the revolution to take down President Snow in the Hunger Games? Once he is overthrown, there is a woman behind the scenes frothing at the mouth to become his successor. The problem? She disguises herself in the cloak of reform, yet is just as poisonous and power hungry as Snow. And who might this successor be to Jerry Jones? Charlotte Jones Anderson is Jerry’s daughter. She has served in many philanthropic roles, and has received many accolades. Could the Cowboys need a woman’s touch, post-Jerry? Or does the Jones blood run too deep for her to succeed her father?
It’s all fine and dandy what Jones has done for the Cowboys organization. He has built them newsworthy facilities, generated copious amounts of revenue, and secured the brand image as America’s Team. But that’s not what the organization needs. Dressing a dying person in designer Capitol clothes does not make them any less sick. We need a healthy team with strong leadership, a team America can believe in again. To have a healthy team, the cancer must be eradicated; the cancer is found in the head of this organization, in the form of Jerry Jones.
The revolution is here.
We can take back America’s team.
Disclaimer: I hail from the great lone star state of Texas, so I have been drinking the Cowboys Kool-aid from the baby bottle (Truth is, it’s more like whiskey: burns when it goes down, but after a few it becomes easier). I say this to clarify that this is not outside hatred, but merely a desire for a team’s redemption.
You can follow the author of this article on Twitter at @Molly_TX.